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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 1,143 (some duplicates have been removed)
] >> stephen: tonight, a new way donate to charity. change your name to anonymous so people think you're giving all the time. [laughter] then, i honor an unlikely hero. did you know josef stalin used to carpool? [laughter] and my guest is oscar-winning actress julie andrews. i'll ask if the hills are still alive after all that fracking. [laughter] a math professor has discovered a new 17-million digit prime number. his other discovery: he's very lonely. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the show. i especially -- i especially want to welcome those ten men down in the dungeon serving their master. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] just get out of there, guys. [ laughter ] welcome to tonight's kinescope. thank you for joining us. nation, all of us in cable news have an obligation to bring you the latest news most relevant to your life. so
stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us! [cheers and applause] folks, i have to tell you, these folks -- [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] folks, when you do that, you make me want to shake. [cheers and applause] nation, before we begin, i want to wish everyone a happy valentine's day. [cheers and applause] i hope you're spending it with someone you love. and if you're watching my show, you are. [laughter] of course, when it comes to holidays, i'm an originalist. on christmas, it's not santa claus, it's sinterklaas. you leave out your shoes for him to fill with nuts and dried fruit, or, if you've been naughty, you're kidnapped by his moorish elfin sidekick black peter. [laughter] ho, ho, ho. [laughter] and i have the same rigorous standards for saint valentine's day. i focus on what the day's really about: not the chocolates, or the beautiful flowers, or the fancy jewelry-- although i love getting all of that. [laughter] no, the true meaning of valentine's day is all about the l-word: lupercalia!--the mid-february roman fertility feast that st.valent
moment zen. >> your job is to keep him under control this morning. >> if he runs >> stephen: tonight, a gitmo inmate faces trial. or has a birthday party. not sure, it was redacted. then, john kerry is the new secretary of state. or the pressure has really taken a toll on hillary clinton. [laughter] and my guest paola antonelli is a curator at the museum of modern art. i'll ask her to exit through the gift shop. [laughter] it's chuck hagel's first day as secretary of defense. tomorrow we start the two-month confirmation process for his second day of work. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. please, sit down. [cheers and applause] folks, we have to do the show. [cheers and applause] folks -- [cheers and applause] if you watch this program, and i certainly hope that you do, you know that if nothing else i'm a company man. and i c
" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to see you. welcome to the show. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it ben] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much. thank you so much. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] folks, nation, everybody in this country knows america is at cyber war. if you don't know that then you obviously have never seen the movie johnny knew monic or given your am ex-number toll volume/35. where the hell are the max girth herbal settlements. you promised must satisfy in the sex time they wants so bad in all happy spots lax laugh the hackers have struck again. >> a hacker broke into the personal e-mail accounts of members of bush family. >> the hacker known about it name gooseifer gained access to names, addresses and photos. >> stephen: that's right. goosifer. police have already release aid sketch of criminal. [laughter] that's the guy. president bush is now say private citizen, please. some hacker has no right to spread his personal information all over the internet. that's facebook's job. i
central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. i mean, transportation secretary ray lahood? why? because his name's got a car part in it? that's a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new defense secretary to be former republican senator chuck hagel. thankfully, today 15 republican senators demanded the withdrawal of hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. senate republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in hagel's past. for instance, he was once a senate republican. [laughter] and now, according to conservative news anger-gregator breitbart.com, hagel may
] [cheers an captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. please, nation, sit down. as an american i don't like to talk about other countries that are not us. with their crazy names -- "notamerica-stan." [laughter] but tonight, every single story i will be reporting on comes from another country. i'm not happy about it either. blame the u.n. [laughter] first up, a story that is rocking theworld of meat. >> the united kingdom's meat industry is in disarray after horse meat was discovered in products intended for humans. >> food giant nestle suspending some of its deliveries after traces of horse dna were found in the meat. >> stores in britain, france and sweden now yanking beef products off the shelves over a horse meat scare. >> burger king admits some of its patties in england and ireland were tainted with horse meat. >> stephen: someone in europe is trying to slip you their tainted meat, and for once it's not silvio burlesconi. [laughter] he has been known to yank hi
at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new scandal rocks the vatican. the holy water contains traces of horse meat. [ laughter ] then, a new way to reduce the number of guns. step one: get a gun. and my guest simon garfield has a new book about maps changing our view of the world. well, apple maps certainly took me to places i never imagined. southcuban president raul castrs he will retire in five years. don't believe him, coman in. this is "the colbert report". captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you. in here, out there, i want to say hello to all my friends in the studio tonight and some old friends watching from home. [cheers and applause] [laughter] folks -- if you watch this show, and we're on an honor's system here, i know there's one thing i'm don't -- i don't like about hollywood awarder sermon yours. it's when i'm not nominated. last night the oscars took top achievement in
king. >> a whopper of a [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, do states have to follow federal law? only if it starts with "simon says." bailiff lf. [ laughter ] then, what's the latest news in the war on terror? the answer is redacted. [ laughter ] and my guest george saunders wrote what the new york times called "the best book you'll read this year." joke's on them, i'm not reading any books this year. [ laughter ] eating lunch earlier can help you lose weight. that's why i always eat tomorrow's lunch tonight. [ laughter ] captioning sponsored by comedy central this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the broadcast, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen b.c. [ thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] thank so much. please, nation, heros sit down. welcome to the broadcast, coming to you, as always, in bone-jostling sensurround! [ laughter ] a lot of technology. [ laughter ] nation, for years i've been warning you about iran. they're almost as big a threat as our other ene
central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen brac brac] >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. you are too kind. [cheers and applause] welcome to the broadcast. thank you so much. please -- [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you in here, out there, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. phone lines are open. [ laughter ] nation, we are just days away from super bowl sunday. and i couldn't be more pumped. it's like football christmas, if christmas were more commercialized. [ laughter ] and i love everything about football-- the sweet science, the pick and roll, from downtown, you sunk my battleship! yahtzee! [ laughter ] i'm just dying to see the san francisco-- earthquakes-- face [ laughter ] off against the baltimore, i wanna say, trashcan fires?! [ laughter ] so put on your game face, then shove nachos into that game face, because this is "the sport report!" [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] nation -- [ laughter ] -- this sunday is all about the big matchup, two titans of the game finally go head to head. i'm
] >> stephen: thank you. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it -- stephen] [cheers and applause] yes! [cheers and applause] welcome. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much. thank you, friends. [cheers and applause] folks, ladies and gentlemen, with an army like you at my back, i'm ready to go to battle any day of the week. [cheers and applause] and it's time to march again because there's no getting around it, folks we've got to talk about it. last night's state of the union address. big whup-iditdo. what type of narcissistic jerk expects people to tune in to hear a room full of people mindlessly cheer him. [cheers and applause] it is pathetic. [ laughter ] who here smokes pot? [cheers and applause] now, folks, i don't know why i subject myself to last night's socialist stroke job because it was more of the same old, same old new ideas. it was nothing but a nothing burger with all the fixins. laugh still nothing burger pretty tasty if you smoke weed. [cheers and applause] pathetic. [ laughter ] and folks, it just confirmed how out of touch the president is
to die hard in [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a rift in the gop: some deny global warming, others deny climate change. [laughter] then, hollywood takes on gun safety. and yet they ignore how many younglings are cut down by light sabers. [laughter] and my guest, roger hodge, is editor of the oxford american magazine, which has been called the "new yorker of the south." the dogs in their cartoons don't go to psychiatrists, they go to shooting ranges. [laughter] ted nugent will attend the state of the union tonight. or as deer call it, the greatest night of their lives. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] come on! [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. , ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. welcome to the broadcast. [cheers and applause] thank you so much for your love and support. you know i can't do this show without you. this show is for you. this show is to look out for what is coming in your life. [cheers and applause] and, folks, tonight i got you
report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, i think that this world would be a much better place if i could take that kind of energy, put it in a paper bag and huff it. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] hope you had a good presidents' day weekend. i took an all-expense paid trip to crap-my-pants-istan because last friday this happened. >> a ten ton meteor racing at 33,000 miles per hour through the atmosphere streekd over a russian city 900 miles of east of moscow before exploding of blinding bright light said to have the power of an atomic bomb. >> its reminded me of action movies like-term nateor 4 this witness said. >> stephen: yes, this fireball was just like "terminator 4 " except people saw it. [laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, the earth is under attack from giant space rocks. the dinosaurs tried
rear end fits the story. sta captioning sponsored by com >> stephen: tonight, the gop tries to appeal to hispanics. first step, learning to speak his-spanish. [ laughter ] then, can president obama get the support of gun owners? yes, after a four-year waiting period. [ laughter ] and my guest, justice sonia sotomayor, is the first hispanic on the supreme court. i will ask her questions in hiss-spanish. [ laughter ] fidel castro made his first public appearance in three years. then he saw his shadow, so fifty more years of communism. [cheers and applause] this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] welcome. thank you so much, everybody. [crowd chanting stephen] thank you have much. please, sit down, nation. [cheers and applause] welcome -- welcome to the broadcast presented tonight with limited commercial interruptions. good to have you with us. folks, i'm still coming down from last night's superbowl rager. i had the whole wrecking crew over and they brought it.
.captionmax.com [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, big changes for texas. their 10-gallon hats are now 38-liters. [laughter] then, can our drone program win the war on terror? yes, if you go up, up, down down, b, a, b, a, select. [laughter] and my guest, physicist michio kaku believes an asteroid could destroy the earth. global warming, solved. [laughter] ice land is considering a ban on internet porn. now there's nothing to do in iceland. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] thank you, ladies and gentlemen, please sit down. [cheers and applause] welcome to the show, everybody. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] thank you, everyone in here welcome to the program. dominus vobiscum. folks, as the cardinal of cable, i'm giving you nave to narthex coverage of pope benedict's resignation in my new series "popewatch: inde-schism 2013." [cheers and applause] remembers -- re
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 1,143 (some duplicates have been removed)